Memories

When you think about loved ones or friends that you have lost, what do you remember most?
What character trait sticks out to you?

Do you remember their laugh, the smell of their perfume, their favorite color, or maybe their favorite meal?

Many studies tell us that smell is one of the strongest senses linked to our memories. My Oma and Opa’s house always smelled of mothballs. When I smell them it brings a joy to my heart and many childhood memories. The memories of playing on the steps for hours with my nephew, brother and cousins going through the mountains of magazines that Oma and Opa had saved. Playing library with all of these magazines. I can instantly see the giant china cabinet that stored countless Barbie’s and other toys still in their boxes. I can see my Oma sitting in the corner in her recliner and my Opa sitting across the table with his magnifying glass reading.

My mom loved to go thrift store shopping, she could spend hours in a thrift store (and drive us all insane haha) but it brought her so much joy to find little “treasures,” she put so much thought into each and every item she was buying. She knew what little things that everyone loved- from grandkids to nieces and nephews to her siblings or mom. There really was a method to her madness and she did not have much in life but she loved to gift these precious items. She stored many for special occasions. It truly brought her joy.

These are some of the many memories I hold dear. While my family played an integral role in helping shape me into the person I have become I step back and realize one of the most influential person in my life was a beautiful lady by the name of Becca. Her memory changed my life…

She truly was an angel on this earth. This are memories I hold dear to my heart. I wish I had more memories. I wish I had spent more moments with her.

Becca was my youth leader’s wife when I was in middle school into high school. She was as sweet as pie. She was kind beyond measure. She exuded love. She had the greatest impact on me and I always hoped and prayed, “Lord, please let me have a heart like Becca’s.” One of the things I remember the most about her was her smile. Her smile truly lit up the room.

I remember her signing and worshiping God with everything she had in her.

She loved. She cared.

I truly believe that she loved all of us in the youth group, each and every one of us. We used to go to an event called Acquire the Fire every year as a youth group. It was an amazing a fun time listening to different bands and they did some amazing skits. The one year the theme of one of the skits was that there was a girl that was always on the outside looking in. The group in the skit never really welcomed her with open arms and stayed within their clique. Fast forward a couple days or weeks later and somehow my brother forgot to pick me up from the youth group event that was at Becca and Chuckie’s house. So it was myself, Becca, Chuckie and their son. We all sat in the living room chatting as Chuckie did push ups with their son on their back and they play wrestled. Becca sat on the floor in front of the couch. We all talked and laughed and Becca was concerned who was our “Jessica,” who was the girl in the youth that was always on the outside looking in that needed reached out to. She did not want anyone left out. She wanted everyone included. She wanted to break the clique that was in the youth and try to have them open up and be more receptive and accepting of new kids. She cared so much. She reached out to those students that were our “Jessica” and made a point to include them. I cannot remember if it was successful but I remember she racked her brain to think of everyone and how they might feel.

I cannot quite remember the timeline of things but I don’t think it was took long after that she shared with us youth the heart breaking diagnosis of cancer. An absolutely devastating diagnosis. She had two beautiful young boys. She absolutely loved being a mom. Her boys were her world.

I remember so many nights at youth that she cried and she worship. She cried and she worshiped. She never stopped worshiping. So many nights we laid hands on her as a group and prayed and cried over her. In all of her treatments she never stopped caring about us kids.

Through all of her pain she never stopped smiling. Sometimes the smiles were forced but she always made a point to smile at you and check on you.

I remember one summer we had a youth revival where an amazing band came to play from New Zealand and it was possibly one of the best youth revivals ever, but the Sunday after this revival I remember they did an alter call after church. I vividly remember Chuckie going to the alter with his arms spread wide, praying and believing God would heal Becca. We cried. We prayed.

We believed in her healing because she never stopped loving God. She never stopped worshiping. She smiled. She checked on us.

Possibly my most impactful interaction was later in her diagnosis and treatment. I was sitting in one of the back rows at church, she walked into the sanctuary from the hallway where the bathroom was, it looked like it pained her to walk, she was skin and bones. Every step took visible effort. She walked over to be and looked me in my face and she smiled. She smiled and she hugged me. She was skin and bones. I felt like I was hugging a fragile skeleton. She winced and she pulled back, still pushing through a genuine smile and she said, “how are you doing?”

My mom had left at this point in my life and my parents were separating, she knew church was my refuge. She asked me. She asked ME how I was doing. It pained her to walk. and she took the moment to ask me how I was doing. To this day I struggle fighting back tears to this memory.

A human that was literally withering away before my eyes was STILL concerned with MY wellbeing.

I could not tell you what I responded.
I could not tell you any more of that conversation but forever burned into my memory was a woman suffering and still caring about another human, not putting herself first, not being consumed by her agony, not giving up… and still caring.

From that day forward I always thought; Lord, please let me have a heart like Becca. Please let me love like her. Please help me have THAT kind of love and compassion for others.

So many of us will never ever be able to comprehend why Becca was called home to be with the Lord at such a young age. No. None of us will ever understand why someone who loved to the Lord so much was taken from this earth. Why her boys grew up without her.

My heart breaks so many times over when I think of it. She adored those boys. From what I remember she dreamed of a house full of kids running around the farm. Things in this life do not make sense.

She never stopped loving God. She never stopped loving her family. She never stopped loving on the youth. I said goodbye to Becca on my 16th birthday.

That year over New Years Eve the church had a lock-in at Hot Shots Arena where we skated through the night. At midnight we were all called into a room so we could listen to a message. A message from Chuckie. A now widower with two small beautiful boys.

I will never forget that night. I will never forget him holder her journal. I remember his knuckles white as he held onto her written words. I don’t remember what the sermon was about, but he still had joy in his pain. He said he was looking forward to two things when he got to Heaven. He looked forward to meeting Jesus and with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes he said, “and I cannot wait to hug my wife again.” … in that moment a group of teenagers cried and hugged and cried and hugged.

Becca touched so many lives. At her funeral there was a line to get in for the viewing backed up blocks and blocks. They gave out a small vial of flower seeds to plant in memory of her… I still have those seeds going on 13 years later. I dreamed of a house that I could plant them at so I could have her with me forever. Those seeds have stayed with me over 7 moves!

More so than that, her memory has stayed with me and the heart to want to help others. I never wanted to be a nurse (that’s a story for another time) but I always said I wanted to make a positive impact on the lives of others, and that is thanks to Becca. She showed me that. She showed me that a smile could change someones life. That a conversation can save a soul. She showed me true love.

Becca’s life showed me the beauty of God’s love. Which might not make sense to those that are not angry and thinking “she did all of this great and she still was taken by cancer!”

I hear you! I hear you! My brother Brad always said, “Becca dying is something I will never understand and never be okay with!” … I get that . I 100% get that. It’s on my list of questions to ask God when I get to Heaven too!!!

But truly, her death showed my that not everyones healing comes on this earth. As believers in Christ we know that this place is not our home. We know that this life is but a vapor. When our loved ones leave this world we are left with immense pain, hurt and struggle… but they are met with glory, happiness, streets of gold and no more pain!

It’s a difficult concept to grasp. It is. I know.

I’ve had the pain and blessing of having this conversation with many many patients and their families that it hurts so deeply in this life to lose someone.. but this place is not our home and if we know Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we will meet again one day!

I will see my mom again. There is healing beyond this earth. The greatest healing is to be whole in the Lord… that doesn’t mean our pain as those left behind doesn’t occur… but maybe takes the edge of just the slightest… They are whole. They are healed. We will see them again one day. One day.

I wish I could thank her one more time. Thank you Becca for being there for me when I was in a sea of darkness. Thank you for reaching to me when I felt so lost. Thank you for showing me love when I felt I had none. Thank you for being willing to help others every when you hurt so deeply yourself. That you for being an example. Thank you for loving. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for the impact you had on my life which I pray translates to so many more lives being positively impacted because of how you changed me.

Some things in this life will never make sense but there is a plan and a purpose for us all. May we all show love. May we all show kindness. May we all reach out to the hurting. May we all be reached when we are hurting…. May there be more “Beccas” in this world…

May we all live in a way that we can be remembered in such a way.